well, i took the covers off both relays, and discovered that internally they are different. the old one has what looks like a little coil on one side and circuitry on the other side, and the new one has two coils: one one each side. so im figuring that the volvo parts guy gave me the wrong one fuel pump relay. the old relay is back in its place. my relay panel does not have the fuel pump relay in the position you say, rjk. the fuel pump relay in mine seems to be in the row closest to the firewall, 3 slots from the driver side.
my intermittent wiper relay is in the row furthest away from the firewall, and in the center...i can feel it click when i placed my hand on it with the intermittent function on (having installed the old fuel pump relay for the intermittent wiper to work).

i am really baffeled by this situation:
car did not start and it was a cold morning, replaced crank sensor and it did not start the noight i replaced it. the next day (37 deg F) it started. i replaced what i thought was the fuel pump relay for what i think was the wrong one from volvo, and the wipers started acting up. now with the old fuel pump relay back in the car seems to run fine, and all wiper functions are fine.
...and i still dont know why the car did not start to begin with. was it cold? crank sensor? faulty fuel pump sensor? low tide?