HAYNES CAR REPAIR MANUAL - A TRANSLATION

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You WILL skin your knuckles.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in Hell, matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40 (catering size), or a ten
pound hammer.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez! What was that? It nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out that pesky bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be defined as 'lightly'.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this, so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Bricks are easy to maintain right, right? So you think three
spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you amateur!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and
you won't find it!

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs ...
Translation: Snap off ...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift ...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by applying light leverage.
Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without
the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book
that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these
two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in, "Mine will never
look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour plug pictures, how do these compare
to the plugs in your Brick? If you cannot locate the plugs in your Brick, see the last translation on the list!

Haynes Manuals are (C)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

thanks for the laughs! Funny as shit! Overall I've found Haynes to be way better than Chilton's, but still not a lot of help in certian situations- like tonight when Hans, the 88 740 turbo wagon's sunroof was all jacked up- thanks Brickboard!

I am the forum administrator at r65.org and I posted this list over there to go along with our collection of Lucas snipes. The following were some additions from the r65 crowd:

Haynes; Dealer serviceable item.
Translation; We couldn't get it apart either!!

Haynes; ........all other models.
Translation; we couldn't be bothered listing them.

Haynes; Warning: It must be stressed the ignition system employs extremely high voltages.......
Translation; The apprentice is still in hospital.

Haynes; Warning: Do not use gasoline as a cleaning medium...
Translation; As above!!

Haynes; Remove engine from frame.
Translation; There may well be a few points we've skipped here, I went for lunch when it was done so just do your best.

I was laughing almost the whole time! If only I had read this BEFORE using my Haynes manual :D

Good stuff! Strangly, my knuckles started hurting while reading....

Best line in the green Volvo factory manuals:

Step 1: Remove the engine.
Step 2: ....

I've had many British autos and eight Volvos, all older.
Best line in a Triumph manual:
When removing the C-clip holding the U-joints in the yoke, be prepared to catch the bearings, as the U-joint may slip out and the cap may come off, dropping the needle bearings all about.
(I found this unlikely, as I had the drive shaft in a vice, the end blocked-up with 2x4s, my 5/8ths deep socket (being used as a punch) held by me to the U-joint with vice grips, while I wailed away with a 5lb. short-handle sledge hammer).
--
1990 740 GL and lots of Volvo memories

Hysterical. But I think the translation of "Retain tiny spring..." is closer to "Spring is under same pressure as the Space Shuttle during reentry and will immediately disappear at roughly the same speed." Haynes is why I'm here. When they decided that the emissions system was entirely too complicated for a mere peon like me, I had to go elsewhere to find out how clean out the PCV system.
--
The Breadbox - 1989 740 GL Wagon in White

I LAUGHED VERY VERY HARD, WITH SUSTAINED GUSTS OF NEAR TEARY EYEDNESS. i'm under the car book in hand and it says refer to... can't find it . ? . climb back out sit on hood and read 3 chapters. then climb back under car to watch care fully for that piece they probably should have told me about.

The one I found the funniest and true is:

Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and
you won't find it!

The do this all the time and it is so ridiculous not to supply the reader with the specifications.

Very well done! Though I've a Bentley on the shelf, I have been using Haynes manuals for over 25 years, back to my Datsun days. While I often find tidbits that Bentley has overlooked, (and vice versa) and while I believe both should be on hand, I certainly can relate to your list. I do like some of their "tool tips". Of course my all time favorite is the ubiquitous "Installation is the reverse...." etc etc. Bloody good show!

DS

"Installation is the reverse...."

Don't knock it. Their way you get to swear in reverse.
--
1980 245 Canadian B21A with SU carb but electronic ignition and M46 trans in Brampton, Ont.

Hahaaa!!! I laughed so hard that my wife came into the room, wondering if I had lost my mind! There has to be more to add to that, but it is perfect the way it is.

One of the worst parts of a Haynes manual is the fact that they refuse to cover stuff that you really need, like a few instructions on components that are a bit complicated, like the automatic trans or something. "We won't tell you anything about this component because we either don't have a clue ourselves, or don't have the smarts to figure it out, so take it to the professionals..." Bleah.

Yes, this irritates me as well. If I had wanted to take it in to a shop I wouldn't have bought a repair/shop manual in the first place! Just tell me how to fix the freakin' thing and let ME decide if I should try to mangle it or pay someone else to screw it up...

I got my current '93 Brick for free because the PO had taken it to a shop and was told it was unsafe to drive and needed about $2500 of work to make it roadworthy. I had it back on the road for under $75...

The PO? You mean you took your probation officer with you to the car lot?

I guess I missed something...

Surely you meant "Previous Owner" when you wrote PO, however; I interpreted it as probation officer the 1st time I read it. Bad joke, but whatever.

Nope, funny, and innovative thinking.... unless it has to do with your own experiences ;-)

Oh, yeah, OK. ;-) You threw me when you mentioned dragging him to the car lot...

Excellent!!!
--
Scott 'Bricking on Japan time' Night shift is ON
--------1993 945 GLT 74,000--------1973 Suzuki Jimny 'Brute' 61,000--------
A Deeper Love

Many thanks!

This is now posted on the wall of my shop. I hope I infringed on the Haynes copyright rule.

Mike
Laharview Farm
--
1984-244 GL with 212K (the first Brick), 1984-244 GL with 270K (parts), 1985-244 DL with 262K, 1989-244 DL with 110K, 67 Mustang (271 HP 289) with 260K and 62 F-250 4x4 (262 - 6 cylinder) with 72K

Ha!
For criminey sake!
I'm still crying with laughter!

Man that's good. If you wrote that all by your lonesome, what the heck are you doing fixing your Brick yourself? With all the money you could make writing comedy (I hear they need writers these days), you could PAY someone to "Apply light leverage" FOR you!

I swear I GOT into more trouble than I saved with a Haynes manual and my old 87 Toyota p/u. The Bentley isn't perfect, but its a far cry better the Hanes.

I can just see the writers of those damn Haynes manuals thinking "Ha! Those idiots! See if they can figure that one out!"


--
89 245 'loaded' with a Great Pyrenees

Haynes manual on How to remove your alternator:
Step 1: Remove the wires from back of alternator.
Step 2: Remove the two mounting bolts that secure alternator to engine. Be sure to set these bolts aside as you will need them later when installing new alternator.
Step 3: Remove alternator from engine compartment.
Duh! Duh! Duh!

Those were great! Thanks for the post.

Trey
--
1993 Volvo 240 219,000 miles

The only reason you should not have posted this is because I laughed coffee all over the computer screen... :-)

Thanks!
-Ryan
--

Athens, Ohio
1987 245 DL 314k, Dog-mobile
1990 245 DL 134k M47, E-codes, GT Sway Bars
1991 745 GL 295k, Regina, 23/21mm Turbo Sway Bars
Buckeye Volvo Club

That's precious. Most espcecially the "retaining nut".

Good Stuff.

-Will
--
850 / Mini

Thanks, Farm Boy!
I definitely can relate.

Especially the "retaining nut" definition. Must have been thinking of the fuel gauge sender bung nut.
--
Sven: '89 245 NA, 951 ECU, expanded air dam, forward belly pan reaches oem belly pan, airbox heater upgraded, E-fan, 205/65-15 at 50 psi, IPD sways, no a/c-p/s belt, E-Codes, amber front corner reflectors, aero front face, quad horns, tach, small clock.

Having just replaced the AC Compressor on my wifes Taurus with a Hayes as the only reference, found it good for several grins and a couple of really good laughs.

Doing that job with stuff like "refer to figure 5 and then later on down the page something like refer to section 2 and 3" jumping around to figures and refers in three sections of the manual. The light came on and they could have just come out and said:

Step 1: Remove the entire freakin front end of the car until you reach the block of the engine!

Then you have to just love "installation is the reverse of removal" as you look back at the pile of screws and all that metal, molded plastic, strangely shaped hoses, and the grill with big blue oval just sitting there.

Really enjoyed it!

Regards,

Paul

Yeah, they often spend more ink trying to make you jump around than they would have just telling you the answer! I have noticed several spots where a setting, or some other measurement, was required and the number of characters that were used to tell you to go look for the value was considerably more than if they would have just quoted the figure!

You can criticize Haynes all you want but you would be bloody lost without'em.

Used to be, back in the days when Frahm filters were still good till about the late eighties or early nineties Haynes manuals were a prety good substitute if you couldn't afford Chiltons.
I had / have Volvo and Haynes manuals for my 164's and 142's. Remember this was way before "The BrickBoard" and I was pretty much on my own to find parts and mechanics who would rather answer my endless questions than work on my car.
Not much is as good now as it was. That's probably why I drive cars older than the scotch I drink.
Paul

Back when I had hair, I drove Morris Minors a lot (for 30 years), and had the BMC manual. I got so used to it, it was a rude shock to take Hayne's word for how to repair the next vehicles.

"To remove X component, remove the seven bolts, taking care not to lose packing washers upon removal. Check for condition of these other parts..." on and on, never a step left out, and if reinstallation was difficult, they told you how to do it properly. I do not remember "installation is reverse of removal" for anything but the simplest component.

Nowadays, you have to kill someone to get a proper manual from the vehicle manufacturer.

Au contraire. You can order repair manuals from Volvo, like I did when I got my second 240 twenty years ago.

Last year I picked up my first FWD Volvo (Who ever thought there would be such a thing...) I went to volvotechinfo.com to order the repair manuals. They cost more than I paid for the car!

I love Volvos, but I'm really starting to hate Volvo....

As I thought. Ordering a manual is one thing, paying for it another. I do remember that my BMC manual wasn't cheap, but not that dear either. Better was that it was mechanic-friendly, vinyl covered, durable, unlike say, Haynes.

Ah, well, that was then, this is now...

I have been searching online periodically for a Bentley Manual as i have read on this board that they are good, but i am coming up with NOTHIN'...
Can anyone help direct me to a website that might have one for my 1979 244?
I have a, ahem, Hayne's, which except for a few typos in specs did help me rebuild my B21F (sorry if that is not correct, those numbers aren't at the front of my head lately) last year - i am an auto tech student but my instructors are not expert in non-American-manufacturer vehicles, so i relied on that manual and i am driving the car so i am happy: anyway, any direction would be appreciated

Thanks, Rachel