While I don't agree with all the theology in the narrative, this was an amazing Volvo 240 add on Craigslist to read. I'll post both the link and the text as it will ultimately get taken down after it sells.

God bless and have a great day, Fitz.


Some important facts about this particular Volvo 240 of which you should be aware:

This car is an automatic, she's independent and refuses to take commands from someone younger and less experienced trying to grind her gears. 2.3L 4-cylinder. Car has unknown miles because of the common gauge/odometer issue.

New alternator powered by the lightening of Thor. Recent brake work, they grip enough to stop a charging rhinoceros. I just replaced the brake master cylinder and flushed the brake fluid/replaced with new.

Rear wheel drive (RWD). 14" Wheels. Tons of room. Good work car or daily driver. Vintage car, indestructible. Great first car. Third row back facing seat - great for drive-ins.

This Volvo 240 comes equipped with an intermittent electrical fault, never successfully isolated, which means you will, on occasion, you will have absolutely no idea how fast you are moving because the gauge illumination will cease, causing you to stop at a nearby pub, meet an attractive stranger who you end up sleeping with - in the back of the capacious rear.

This Volvo 240 comes with a certain amount of body rust. That certain amount is minimal bubbling in a a few spot as shown in the images.

This Volvo 240 comes complete with the original jack, a spare tire, and two out of four hubcaps.

This Volvo 240 comes with a speedometer which has the 55 mph mark outlined in orange, and only goes up to 85. Thus, on modern freeways, you will sometimes exceed the speedometer's measurement capacity, and thus be reminded that you are an autonomous individual, and all limits are temporary. This will boost your self esteem.

This Volvo 240′s dashboard is cracked.

This Volvo 240′s windows are manually controlled, which will increase the amount of exercise you get, and thus, your sex appeal. Except for the passenger front window, that only cranks down half way.

This Volvo 240′s glove compartment lock is loose, necessitating that it be jiggled to ensure it latches closed. The door has a clever cup holder outlined on it. This is a rouge, it infact will NOT hold a cup and may result in your passengers hot coffee being spilled on their genital region - You've Been Warned.

This Volvo 240 comes with a built-in roof rack, which can be used to carry important cargo, such as a mattress and box spring, a full sized water heater, or a wooden crate containing the Ark of the Covenant.

This Volvo 240′s radio does work, but only receives stations which are broadcasting static. This will protect you from advertising, and terrible popular music such as Robin Thicke's recent hit single "Blurred Lines." But it also sometimes doesn't turn off and drains the battery, so I pulled its fuse. The Volvo 240 consists of straight lines.

Unlike many cars, this Volvo 240 no longer features a suspension, and instead delivers every contour of the road directly to its passengers. This will make you a better driver, in the long run, and make riding in your car a thrilling experience, making you more popular and saving money on amusement park tickets.

Like many Volvo 240s, this Volvo 240 comes with eighteen keys, enabling you to easily lend it to your many friends, or to clean up at key parties. Look it up.

Now, at this point, you must be wondering why anyone, let alone someone distinguished enough to drive a Volvo 240, would ever sell such a car. Simply put it scares small children, and I found one of those recently and brought it home to raise as my own.

Because you have assimilated all the important information above, I assume you are now driven by a passionate urgency to purchase this car. Fear not, as I am prepared to reply to your email at any hour of the day or night.

This reads like a text version of the (now) semi-famous Jeremy Korzeniewski ad (below). That was fun; this seems like an essay by someone who likes to hear himself. It gives me the same feeling I get when I'm seated on a long international flight next to someone who wants to share every detail of his life. Just IMO.

I respect the design, engineering, marketing .... that went into Volvos - especially 100- and 200-series. But in the end, they're cars.

http://www.autoblog.com/2014/05/12/1993-volvo-240-wagon-for-sale-video/
--
240 drivers / parts cars - JH, Ohio

Well, it seems that I exceeded the cut & paste character limit or some other hiccup as I had missed the entire first half of the Craigslist add (and I'm sure I had copied it off).

Here's the first half that was omitted from my original post. Of note, this guy is located in Northern Indiana. Does anybody remember where the other "long winded" 240 seller was located?

God bless, Fitz.


Hello.

Stop everything you are doing. This is the most important Craigslist ad you will read today; indeed, the most important one you will ever read. In fact, when, as an elderly person, you look back upon your life, you will regard the moment you started reading this ad as the most consequential single instant in your entire life. Not only do you owe it to yourself to read this ad, see the car I am selling, buy it from me, and give me an above market price, but you owe it to your country, countries, or status as a stateless person (my condolences), and to the god, gods, or lack of god that you do or do not believe in (happy holidays). Failure to finish reading this ad could potentially lead to the premature death of you and all your loved ones.

No pressure.

I am selling, and you should buy, a 1988 Volvo 240 Wagon. It's white. It's coated internally with luxurious blue vinyl. In order to truly understand the importance of why this car should, nay, NEEDS to be in you drive way, you first need a snippet of history and detail.

Before you do this, you must be immersed in the Swedish culture from which the Volvo 240 originated. Please start playing some dignified Scandinavian music, such as Edvard Grieg's 1876 Peer Gynt suite, or Basshunter's latest album.

Now that you are suitably en-musiced, here are some important facts about the Volvo 240 series:

Volvo 240s were manufactured by the Volvo car company in Sweden, from 1976 to 1993.

Volvo 240s run and drive. This is not a property of an individual car, but of all Volvo 240s as a group. Really, The cars were designed and built in a time before chrome and steel were replaced by plastic and aluminum. This car could shrug off a P.I.T. maneuver from a Sherman tank.

Unlike most cars, the Volvo 240 was not built on an assembly line. They were constructed by hand, outdoors in the snow, by teams of tall, bare-chested Swedish men who swung their tools in a synchronized fashion and chanted automobile-durability incantations in unison while they worked. Like being forged from the mighty hammer of Thor himself. This is the source of the Volvo 240′s legendary durability.

During the years it was being manufactured, a legendary 20 year run, the Volvo 240 was, as measured by NHTSA and IIHS crash tests, the safest car on the road in the United States. This was due to its strong construction, deep crumple zones, low center of gravity, and front and side passenger ejection seats.

There are only three known ways to destroy a Volvo 240:

1. Place it in the center of a gasoline tanker explosion and then crush the remains in a hydraulic press

2. Drive it into the fires of Mount Doom, if you are strong-willed enough to part with it. Destroying a Volvo 240 in this manner may result in the loss of a finger.

3. E-85 gasoline

Because the Volvo 240 is the only car capable of withstanding a direct nuclear blast, and cockroaches are the only life form capable of surviving, in the event of a nuclear war, the earth will be populated exclusively by cockroaches driving Volvo 240s. You have been warned.

The Volvo 240 holds the title of all-time most-successful model in the 24 Hours of Lemons auto race circuit, a 24 hour, tongue in cheek endurance auto race. Volvo 240s have won more championships than any other model, and have the highest average number of laps completed.

When Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden, God did not give them a car. But if he had, it probably would have been a Volvo 240. And if it had been, then it would probably still be running today.

Volvo's corporate logo is the spear and shield, the ancient Roman symbol for Mars, the god of war. Since ancient times this symbol has represented iron, and was originally meant to symbolize the superior grade of steel Volvo used in constructing its cars. In recent years, however, the spear-and-shield symbol of Mars has been appropriated as a symbol of masculinity, leading some to the erroneous conclusion that only men drive Volvos. Of course, this is not true. Volvos are driven by spear-carrying, cool people of every sex. And hipsters, dirty hipsters.

The Volvo 240 has a large amount of headroom, because it was designed and manufactured by tall, bare-chested Swedish men.

A Volvo 240 does not have a slow zero to sixty time. Nor a fast one. It reaches sixty precisely when it means to. Which takes roughly 8 minutes.

A Volvo 240 appears in every James Bond movie between 1979 and 2002. The most recent movies do not feature them because Daniel Craig has had a phobia of Swedish manufactured goods since starring in the ill-fated musical comedy "Lute Fisk!"

I cannot tell you where he was located but the previous ad was from Ann Arbor Craig's List.

That's a hop, skip and a jump from South Bend. I'm sure it is the same seller. I recognize the verbiage. I don't recall for certain but it's probably the same car.

Sorry to be so negative but the first paragraph is enough to make me ill and it's all downhill from there.

Just my opinion, of course.


--
'80 DL 2 door, '89 DL Wagon

"The door has a clever cup holder outlined on it. This is a rouge, it infact will NOT hold a cup and may result in your passengers hot coffee being spilled on their genital region - You've Been Warned."

This is a rouge??

Another example of a careless semi-literate author depending on auto-fill.

I thought it was funny, but it has been happening a lot lately. Like Don, I wonder if it's the same person posting long-winded satirical ads.

Thanks for the laugh, Fitz! I liked the warning about the fake cupholder on the glovebox door.

He missed an important feature:

Dim instrument panel lights that exercise your aging eyes, making them stronger and ultimately to last as long into the future as your 240.

Tatra Mike
Seattle, Washington

1985 244 "Alfsen" (wife's car - the good one)
1984 245 "Buster" (the kid's car, now sold)
1985 245 "Cosmo" (parts car, sold off for move to WA)
1985 245 "Daisy" (back seat down, full of tools, the work truck)
1985 245 "Earl (CA vehicle 'retirement' program)

First of all, Fitz...nothing personal here.

I'm thinking this was written by the same clown who ran the ad which someone on this forum pointed out last November.

This one is, mercifully, much shorter.

I see not one thing that would make a non-Volvo person want to buy this car. And the Volvo regulars don't need all the BS to know what they do and do not want.

Some may find it amusing. Good. I'm glad for you. Really, I am.

Personally, I find it rather nauseating.


--
'80 DL 2 door, '89 DL Wagon

What are you telling us about yourself?

I do appreciate the author's wit and reflection, but I am likewise a clown, as anyone long on this forum can substantiate. Just can't take this Volvo fetish that seriously.

If Fitz, and whoever posted this years ago, shared it on our OT forum (opinions) only serious people would have read it. :-)
--
Art Benstein near Baltimore

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Just that I think it's not worth the read. Still, I had to read it to know.

Catch 22.


--
'80 DL 2 door, '89 DL Wagon

Here is a fixed link