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re: Funnies by Art Benstein 200

Hi All - Enjoy.


Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Doing a thing wrong for a long period of time gives it the superficial appearance of being right.

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog"

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He wonŽ≠™ expect it back.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it isn't the end.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it starts to rain.

Bad decisions make good stories.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

No trees were harmed in the posting of this message...however an extraordinarily large number of electrons were horribly inconvenienced.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
A. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
B. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
C. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

A Stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

The taste of low quality lingers long after the satisfaction of low price.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

Don't let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Was ist ?ergangswiderstand?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

Dad: Someone who hopes his sons will turn out to be just like him, and who is afraid his daughters will meet someone who did.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

"When you come to the fork in the road, take it."

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Vacuum Connoisseur:I am perfectly comfortable with partial vacuums, however, I'm partial to perfect vacuums.

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife gets up and unplugs the Brickboard.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

In God We Trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Every calendar's days are numbered.

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!






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New 1 re: Funnies by Art Benstein [200]
posted by  Swedish Baklava  on Wed Nov 14 18:52 CST 2012 >

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